someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
