just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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