So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
