i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
