I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
