Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
