Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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