i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
