when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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