my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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