Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Randomize
