I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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