Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
