When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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