Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
