What did we do last night that was yellow?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
