she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
