I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
