Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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