Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
