mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
