My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
