I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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