i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
nutella sex= disaster
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
