I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize