i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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