Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
