Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
