i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
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