On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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