she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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