I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
