Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
