With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
