I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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