Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
