Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
