My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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