Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
