booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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