you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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