I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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