Heybabeimwearingurpanties
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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