the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
