My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
