dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
