I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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