I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
