she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
