so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
