how can u be prego again
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
