i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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